I honestly just don't know where to start here...although I should figure it out because typing isn't as easy as it should be right now...only 3 days...more on that later. All I know is its been a tough few weeks for various reasons. It all started about 5 to 6 weeks ago when we started a series at church titled planted: in relationships the first one on families. These weeks have also included graduations, both high school and college. While they are in the past I remember them well.
Over the last few years I have felt called to "families" its still vague to me in details and process but I'm open to wherever it leads and what that looks like. However these sermons on relationships caused me to look in places I thought were healed. Things I thought I had dealt with often creep up in new ways. I don't like this process but know its necessary for lots of reasons.
During the recognition of college graduates you could hear each of the families so very excited and proud of their graduate, they couldn't wait until the end to cheer. I love the way our church celebrates families in each phase. They had each and every high school graduate cross the stage while they announced them, their accomplishments, and their plans for the future. This is something they do every year and its our second year to see it however, this year something hit me and it was uncomfortable and a little to close to home. Ok too close to home...while I was so happy for them my heart was sad. All I could think was this (my high school graduation) was the last time they were proud of me, the last accomplishment they would take part in and rejoice with me.
I know its because of some choices I made...these choices lead me to where I am now. I'm married to the man of my dreams with my two little amazing men who are growing up way too fast. I wouldn't change these things for anything...even though I miss them so much and its still such a tender spot...the truth is I want it to stay that way because it connects me with those in the same place as me.
I pray everyday for healing and restoration...this keeps me humble and reliant
this makes me appreciate my relationships and cherish them
the tender spot keeps me real and in touch
it keeps me undone at the feet of my Jesus...longing for what he has in store for my future.
In some ways I want to go back to feeling like I have dealt with all these feelings, emotions, everything because its just easier. However, its not real and feeling the un-doneness reminds me that until heaven I'm a work in progress.
About 10 days ago when our oldest went to slam our backdoor shut while I was outside, I (unsuccessfully) tried to stop it, my right hand went straight through the glass. Which resulted in a trip to the ER...my very first trip...and 24 stitches in my pinky and ring finger...OUCH!! I went in today to get my stitches out. On the outside it looked better, I was so excited...it hurt more than I expected...and I hadn't eaten much, my heart was racing and I was sweating, I didn't see this ending well. I just took lots of deep breaths and it was all said and done in 20 minutes. However she still had to wrap them up and put those paper stitches on...you see on the outside to the untrained eye it looked better. However, it just wasn't as healed as it needed to be.
Just like me, my heart. My fingers will heal 100% soon. My heart will heal fully eventually until then I lean on my heavenly father and those friends he has placed in my life to help me in this process. The reason I know God is up to something...I'm alive and I'm uncomfortable and I'm at peace.
Prayers for you and yours, in whatever season you find yourself lean on Him who gives us strength, hope, and endures all things right alongside us.
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