I began this post several days ago and just couldn't get past a certain point once you reach the end that reason will probably be apparent...but after reading a post on facebook from a friend whose life looks a lot like ours right now I felt an urgency to share...
As you may have guessed by the last few blog there is a lot going on in our lives some of it not so pretty in fact most of it not pretty but there have been some pretty amazing things going on behind the scenes that I allowed my self miss. You see we made a huge commitment just a few short weeks ago and I have mentioned the peace I felt about that decision. Then when it came time to actually commit and sign up to send my hubby to India...oh man the stuff that happened as a result of that commitment.... Since then I have wallowed, our boys hit pre-adolescence, you know the whole I know more than you and better than you, not listening, ornery oh man especially that one. It's been rough for about a month but a whole lot worse since this commitment. Hubby's job has been great, super busy, but so many problems that he has had to fix or adjust. Not to mention my anxiety levels, as well as our youngest got a viral rash, thankfully not contagious, but it could last 2 months. Things have been about 10x harder...almost like we are swimming up stream everything just flying at you at a hundred miles an hour...
I wallowed there for a while especially when C came down with this rash that we had no idea what it was or how to make him feel better...it just felt dark, heavy, hard, and at times almost unbearable, very lonely, a very very tough time.
Then it hit me WHY I was feeling this way and WHY my friends who are also going to India are feeling much the same way. My "lightbub" moment you might say. While I sat there wallowing I let the enemy steal my joy, peace, strength...I allowed it my reaction to the situation wasn't to turn to the one I solely depend on for my joy I tried to muster it up, pull myself up from my bootstraps but I can't...I don't have the strength or the ability to pull myself out of that place.
It was sometime early early in the morning when my brain woke up and I thought of that verse, "The thief that comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 " ...
so then I decided to fight this battle head on the enemy has no right to steal these things away from me. GOD through Jesus paid the ultimate price so that I have him to lean on and draw my strength from. So much better than my limited resources...am I right?!
Don't get stuck there...it's so hard, dark, lonely, depressing, heavy there. Its a burden we aren't called to carry alone...
every time I began dwelling this week I would remind myself of the promises of God, it helps me refocus and let go...which is really hard for me to do. the first verse that came to me was out of Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Then I kept repeating cast all your anxiety on him...praying every time I fell into the temptation to wallow and rest where I was and I noticed a difference although it has still been hard we have had some answers and the best thing we haven't been carrying the burden alone. I started working with the boys on versus every day teaching them to call on God's word, praying over them teaching them the value of self control, and all good things in God's word. Its been a battle the great thing about it I'm not alone...We are not alone...You are not alone.
With God all things are possible call on him out of desperation and he will meet you there, with loving gentle caring arms and reassure you that it will all be ok and that the battle in the end will be worth it. Don't stay or dwell in the dark too long its suffocating and it isn't worth it...your savior doesn't want you to do this alone.
Praying for you my friends...Gods got this...He's got you...
I leave you with my favorite Hillsong United Song Oceans oh it touches my soul so deep right now :)
when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m_sWJQm2fs
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Swimming
I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is
trusting they are truly ready and its time to let go and let them. It is in
these moments I feel as though my heart just stops, along with breathing, all
bodily functions cease, because I’m amazed at my child. This little boy…who was
born yesterday right?! Is big enough to do these things, and its soooo hard for
this momma to believe, how is it possible?!
Today he went to “big” church with us for the first time in
years and he was so excited. He loved it. He was great at it. J is four…four. Four
years ago today he was a little over 3 months old and OH MY GOODNESS the
sweetest baby, he went to big church with us when he was oh so little and
worshipped with us. It was surreal today, in some ways it was just like four
years ago in other ways so different.
Where has time gone?! Somehow by the grace of God he’s
turning into such an incredible young man…who will start home school preschool tomorrow.
In some ways I want time to just stop so I can just hold him, love him, and
breathe in who he is right now. Four so far has had challenges but man he’s so
fun and independent.
He loves to color, run, ride his bike (with his helmet of
course), playing with friends, food/cooking, his favorite color is green, he
loves taking pictures and videos. He’s strong, bold, loving, and sensitive,
this boy has a heart for all people, he’s passionate. He still has his favorite
orange and blue dump truck from his first birthday that he races with his
brother. His favorite thing this summer swimming…be still my heart.
He has always enjoyed playing in the pool but this summer he
learned to swim. I’m still not 100% sure how but he decided one day a month or
so ago that he wanted to “sink” without his floatie, I figured it would be
short lived boy was I wrong. From sinking and bouncing back up…to swimming. He
did it on his own. This boy spoils me in so many ways… J can literally do
ANYTHING he puts his mind to. My heart still stops a little every time he jumps
into the pool and swims oh so effortlessly to the stairs.
Oh how God equips us to love these boys and cheer them on…I don’t
know how I would do it without him and my continuous life line of prayer. Whether
its safe travels to and from errands, or safety as we swim and try new things,
to discernment to know how to mother these gifts. He is my strength on the many
stressful, overwhelming days, my comfort.
Motherhood has opened my eyes to unconditional love in ways
that are inconceivable, how is it possible to love someone so deeply it hurts,
that in an instant you would choose to die for them, I choose them…oh man I’m
thankful for them and broken by them. As frustrating and trying as they can be,
even when the days are weeks long, and I wonder why I couldn’t wait to have children….I
wouldn’t change it for the world.
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.Psalm 116:1-2 NIV
Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6
Friday, August 22, 2014
Overwhelmed...
...warning...this blog may be a mess but life has been and is a mess this week, its where we are, its where life is...enjoy take heart and comfort :)
Those of you that know me know that this is a state I frequent a lot...Overwhelmed. I teeter between overwhelmed and peace...you see that's my pendulum. Its one or the other and as of lately the overwhelmed portion of my pendulum is stronger than peace. That results in anxiety, worry, depression and a burden on those around me that they shouldn't have to carry. The thing I often forget to do is turn to the one person that has promised to not only take this anxiety, overwhelmed, tired, depressed momma and replace ALL of that with peace, joy and love that surpasses all understanding.
Last week I had peace...last week 12 days ago in Sunday School when my husband mentioned that someone had asked to him to think and pray about going to India for a 10 day mission trip. I had peace and a plan. About as soon as it was mentioned that was in my spirit...I thought that was odd but very cool. As he wrestled with God about the decision...I had peace...again weird but ok. When he told me his decision and his final confirmation...yep you guessed it peace.
Then it came...Overwhelmed...Anxiety...Uncertainty.
There is something I often forget in this Christian walk, when you know beyond a doubt your supposed to do something and you commit. You become a target, to get thrown off track, to doubt, question what you were really supposed to do.
So Monday morning...here comes my burden... that knot in my stomach like stuff was about to hit the fan. Sure enough it did. Our boys have been crazy, ornery, defiant, horrible listeners, itchy two year old... it wasn't even after noon when the thought hit me..."How in the world am I supposed to take care of and be with these boys for 10 days?! without my husband..." cue, panic, worry, anxiety, coupled with bouts of depression....I'm a mess ya'll and now the world knows :)....I prayed calmed myself down and tried to move forward needless to say Monday ended but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday followed along with the chaos that was this week. Talk about doubt about our decision. When I finally found myself back on track yesterday around 3:30 in the afternoon...it hit me..."what do you expect when you follow my plan?" I call my hubby on the way to target, I almost lost it several times during our five minute phone call...because these sweet boys are just exhausting and draining this week....especially when he said, "we got this, we are going to make it through this." <-- there it is we got this...cue our convo that very morning about how we would make it because of HE who gives us strength. "Light bulb" Angela you have been carrying too much this week, a burden that isn't yours to carry, leaning on people who don't deserve that and that don't even realize I'm putting that on them.
This week has required TONS of desperate prayer, caffeine, a little bit of sugar, lots of water, and more out of me than I often know that I have. I don't know what the future holds exactly but there will fundraising, a trip to the airport, baking, lots of baking, preparations for a trip, LOTS of prayer for India as well as our Birthday Blessing ministry that a friend and I are partnering in....life is crazy beautiful right now...sometimes more crazy than anything but hey that's life right?!
I was reminded yesterday afternoon that I'm not in this alone. My Savior paid the debt and took my burden on himself there is no reason for me to carry it...he is walking right beside me longing for me to let it go and let him carry it and help me through these times. I just need to remember that.
let this be a reminder that your not alone and that burden your carrying isn't yours to carry.
Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:23-24
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us Romans 8:37
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior who daily bears our burdens Psalm 69:19
You are my refuge and my shield, I have put my hope in your word Psalm 119:114
I can do all things through him who gives me strength Philippians 4:13
Go in peace...until next time
Those of you that know me know that this is a state I frequent a lot...Overwhelmed. I teeter between overwhelmed and peace...you see that's my pendulum. Its one or the other and as of lately the overwhelmed portion of my pendulum is stronger than peace. That results in anxiety, worry, depression and a burden on those around me that they shouldn't have to carry. The thing I often forget to do is turn to the one person that has promised to not only take this anxiety, overwhelmed, tired, depressed momma and replace ALL of that with peace, joy and love that surpasses all understanding.
Last week I had peace...last week 12 days ago in Sunday School when my husband mentioned that someone had asked to him to think and pray about going to India for a 10 day mission trip. I had peace and a plan. About as soon as it was mentioned that was in my spirit...I thought that was odd but very cool. As he wrestled with God about the decision...I had peace...again weird but ok. When he told me his decision and his final confirmation...yep you guessed it peace.
Then it came...Overwhelmed...Anxiety...Uncertainty.
There is something I often forget in this Christian walk, when you know beyond a doubt your supposed to do something and you commit. You become a target, to get thrown off track, to doubt, question what you were really supposed to do.
So Monday morning...here comes my burden... that knot in my stomach like stuff was about to hit the fan. Sure enough it did. Our boys have been crazy, ornery, defiant, horrible listeners, itchy two year old... it wasn't even after noon when the thought hit me..."How in the world am I supposed to take care of and be with these boys for 10 days?! without my husband..." cue, panic, worry, anxiety, coupled with bouts of depression....I'm a mess ya'll and now the world knows :)....I prayed calmed myself down and tried to move forward needless to say Monday ended but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday followed along with the chaos that was this week. Talk about doubt about our decision. When I finally found myself back on track yesterday around 3:30 in the afternoon...it hit me..."what do you expect when you follow my plan?" I call my hubby on the way to target, I almost lost it several times during our five minute phone call...because these sweet boys are just exhausting and draining this week....especially when he said, "we got this, we are going to make it through this." <-- there it is we got this...cue our convo that very morning about how we would make it because of HE who gives us strength. "Light bulb" Angela you have been carrying too much this week, a burden that isn't yours to carry, leaning on people who don't deserve that and that don't even realize I'm putting that on them.
This week has required TONS of desperate prayer, caffeine, a little bit of sugar, lots of water, and more out of me than I often know that I have. I don't know what the future holds exactly but there will fundraising, a trip to the airport, baking, lots of baking, preparations for a trip, LOTS of prayer for India as well as our Birthday Blessing ministry that a friend and I are partnering in....life is crazy beautiful right now...sometimes more crazy than anything but hey that's life right?!
I was reminded yesterday afternoon that I'm not in this alone. My Savior paid the debt and took my burden on himself there is no reason for me to carry it...he is walking right beside me longing for me to let it go and let him carry it and help me through these times. I just need to remember that.
let this be a reminder that your not alone and that burden your carrying isn't yours to carry.
Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:23-24
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us Romans 8:37
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior who daily bears our burdens Psalm 69:19
You are my refuge and my shield, I have put my hope in your word Psalm 119:114
I can do all things through him who gives me strength Philippians 4:13
Go in peace...until next time
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I Deserve it....
You deserve it.....
how many times a day do you hear that? you deserve new furniture, more food or your food made exactly the way you want it...and don't forget fast. no need to wait or even use that one room in the house?! I deserve my house, my car(s), cabinets full of food, a room full of toys for my children, oh when you mention children, healthy, happy, growing, and obedient; great neighbors, good schools, caring family, a job, at least one tv, a refrigerator, 3+ sinks, a backyard, a garage, a computer, cable, internet, a good church, great friends, clothes, a walk in closet to hold those clothes...ok I think you get it. Over the past few months its been blatantly obvious how abundant my life here is and it is because I was born in the United States....sure there is homeless, hungry, struggling people within a one mile radius of my house but I can still avoid it if I choose to.
Marketers have some how convinced us that these things are privileges things we are owed. Whether we see it on billboards on the way to the store, or at night when we are watching TV and we have seen commercials about having "more, more, more" at least 20 times in a one hour show. Its no wonder our homes are full of stuff and when we can its new or fresh because that's the best...I mean after all we deserve it. right?! What about all those people around the world who don't even have clean water. clean water now that is a basic human right, but most people don't have it...780 million people worldwide lack access to clean water...that's 1 in 9 people...get this I know more than 9 people that have clean water...its so easy to forget this simple yet crucial resource that I have in abundance.
As I was standing in my climate controlled kitchen making dinner with a fresh tomato, and bell pepper that I had the privilege of running to the grocery store last night to just because we wanted some pasta salad. I thought about my friends at the life shelter who have children that they can't provide for. They don't get the fresh food that I have the luxury of keeping in stock in my fridge. My boys LOVE fresh fruits and veggies. These parents despite their deep desire to provide that can't. Don't they deserve to be able to go to the store and buy fruit, fresh fruit, and vegetables and store them in their fridge at home, a place where they can always return to at the end of the day?! These parents, these people just want to provide or have that safe place to call theirs. Don't we all deserve that?!
If it was a perfect world yes, if we were still in Eden, yes, but the truth is...
We don't deserve it...we don't deserve...anything but death.
In Romans it tells us that the wages or the cost of my sin of just me living/being born is death. So that is what I deserve...that is what we all deserve. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, what you do for a living, the color of your skin, where you were born or who you were born to. We are all born sinners...
pretty sad huh...the great thing is our story doesn't end there. Because of Jesus we get so much more than we deserve. That is why we MUST go out and make a difference, that's why we cannot avoid those who are down and out. My heart breaks for them. yes, I'm sure they have made bad choices, addictions etc. but haven't we all?! Sure if you know my story my addictions are shopping, caffeine and sugar...they wont kill me, they wont really even hurt me, but we all have struggles. That's what makes us human.
we are called to love one another, go sit, eat, serve those close to you, that are down and out. They are just like you
1 Corinthians 13: 3-8
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects , always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that who so ever believes in him shall have eternal life.
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death but the GIFT of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
As some friends and I go forth in our Jesus story and reach out to those in our community in some pretty awesome ways, that God is opening up (some pretty awesome God Stories to come) Please pray that we contact those we are supposed to and that God will continue to open doors and bless this ministry that he has called us to! I cannot wait to share it with you. Go in peace, love and hope that in Jesus we don't get what we deserve because who really wants what we actually deserve?
how many times a day do you hear that? you deserve new furniture, more food or your food made exactly the way you want it...and don't forget fast. no need to wait or even use that one room in the house?! I deserve my house, my car(s), cabinets full of food, a room full of toys for my children, oh when you mention children, healthy, happy, growing, and obedient; great neighbors, good schools, caring family, a job, at least one tv, a refrigerator, 3+ sinks, a backyard, a garage, a computer, cable, internet, a good church, great friends, clothes, a walk in closet to hold those clothes...ok I think you get it. Over the past few months its been blatantly obvious how abundant my life here is and it is because I was born in the United States....sure there is homeless, hungry, struggling people within a one mile radius of my house but I can still avoid it if I choose to.
Marketers have some how convinced us that these things are privileges things we are owed. Whether we see it on billboards on the way to the store, or at night when we are watching TV and we have seen commercials about having "more, more, more" at least 20 times in a one hour show. Its no wonder our homes are full of stuff and when we can its new or fresh because that's the best...I mean after all we deserve it. right?! What about all those people around the world who don't even have clean water. clean water now that is a basic human right, but most people don't have it...780 million people worldwide lack access to clean water...that's 1 in 9 people...get this I know more than 9 people that have clean water...its so easy to forget this simple yet crucial resource that I have in abundance.
As I was standing in my climate controlled kitchen making dinner with a fresh tomato, and bell pepper that I had the privilege of running to the grocery store last night to just because we wanted some pasta salad. I thought about my friends at the life shelter who have children that they can't provide for. They don't get the fresh food that I have the luxury of keeping in stock in my fridge. My boys LOVE fresh fruits and veggies. These parents despite their deep desire to provide that can't. Don't they deserve to be able to go to the store and buy fruit, fresh fruit, and vegetables and store them in their fridge at home, a place where they can always return to at the end of the day?! These parents, these people just want to provide or have that safe place to call theirs. Don't we all deserve that?!
If it was a perfect world yes, if we were still in Eden, yes, but the truth is...
We don't deserve it...we don't deserve...anything but death.
In Romans it tells us that the wages or the cost of my sin of just me living/being born is death. So that is what I deserve...that is what we all deserve. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, what you do for a living, the color of your skin, where you were born or who you were born to. We are all born sinners...
pretty sad huh...the great thing is our story doesn't end there. Because of Jesus we get so much more than we deserve. That is why we MUST go out and make a difference, that's why we cannot avoid those who are down and out. My heart breaks for them. yes, I'm sure they have made bad choices, addictions etc. but haven't we all?! Sure if you know my story my addictions are shopping, caffeine and sugar...they wont kill me, they wont really even hurt me, but we all have struggles. That's what makes us human.
we are called to love one another, go sit, eat, serve those close to you, that are down and out. They are just like you
1 Corinthians 13: 3-8
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects , always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that who so ever believes in him shall have eternal life.
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death but the GIFT of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord
As some friends and I go forth in our Jesus story and reach out to those in our community in some pretty awesome ways, that God is opening up (some pretty awesome God Stories to come) Please pray that we contact those we are supposed to and that God will continue to open doors and bless this ministry that he has called us to! I cannot wait to share it with you. Go in peace, love and hope that in Jesus we don't get what we deserve because who really wants what we actually deserve?
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