Fear, I've had a dance with you most of life. I function well under your pressure...or I guess I should say I feel "safest" there. You promise me lies and I often fall prey to each one of these every time. I envy those who can see their fears and not only rise above them but overcome them. It seems like such a seamless battle for them. Their sheer tenacity and determination to destroy their fears is awe inspiring to me.
For me, fear, hiding in your shadow is something I know all to well. Hearing the lies the enemy whispers over me keeps me there so much more often than I would like to admit. Thanks to the relationship I have been blessed with, with my husband he has greatly encouraged me to face them in a whole other way.
I think the most humbling part of my relationship with fear is how easily I fall back into that relationship. I long to overcome it, to successfully lay it to rest. I get so angry with myself for falling so quickly and easily back into old habits. I hate myself for allowing it to have power over me. The self talk I have with myself over this shortcomings aren't for the faint of heart.
I often wonder how I arrived back into the arms of fear, anxiety and where I was before. When I can look around in my life and see how far I've come in so many other areas. Why cant I overcome this? What am I doing wrong? I should be able to fix it!
The lies I'm told and often believe in the midst is that
-I can fix this
-It will get better
-I can make it better,
-It is all my fault,
-I should have a better handle on this,
-why/how did you let it get this far,
-you cant tell now because you have let it get here,
-no one will accept you if you open up,
-you're the only one that struggles with this,
-you should really be better at this, everyone else is.
-why of all things do you struggle with this
-keeping this from them is for their good, you can make it better and overcome
failure, mistakes have always been something to fear in my life. Nothing short of perfection is acceptable. How many things are you excellent at in your life? Most of these things are as absurd as they sound, but I believe them far too often. I stay under them, hold them near and dear. Even though I know the freedom that lies outside of these lies. I often wonder why it feels safer here? I think its because its what I know. Despite the deep longing to change its so difficult to break old habits, that are about as old as me.
Here are the truths I KNOW deep down in my soul that often are overshadowed way to easily by the fear
-Everyone has their thing they struggle with
-failure and mistakes are part of living, they are to be celebrated because its part of learning
-you can't learn without failure and mistakes
-I accept my failures in baking but not in most other areas
-Thanks to a truly incredible gift I have a husband who loves me with the 1 Corinthians Love
-I am not defined by this
-I cannot do this on my own
-My partnership is stronger than me
-No amount of justifying has or will make it better
-the perfect time to restart, to expose fear, failure and mistakes is now, you can't go back, you can't change it but you can begin again today and move forward a new today!
I long to change and be different. I know that on my own I cant. Does it make me stronger to know that? Does the strength only come when I sit down and lay it all out? Can my partner only come by my side to help me succeed if I let him all the way in? I think that's what I've been called to for far to long. I know I've put this off longer than I should, but I also know there isn't any better day than today, even though before could have been better.
I wonder why this is what I struggle with. Then I look at my husband and I see that this is a great strength for him. Isn't that beautiful? and at moments utterly frustrating? I long to do better, to honor him with every area of my life so that our Marriage can show how God works, how God loves, How God calls each of us to sharpen one another, to drive each other on.
Without this struggle it would be something else, right? We all have our thing our struggle, that thorn in our flesh that keeps us humble, that daily reminds us of our constant need for a savior. For the one who came and promised to be our advocate. He reminds me that no of this is for nothing. Every struggle, every thing that draws us out of comfortable. Everything that causes me to step out of fears shadow, of the self constructed walls of lies that I carefully create so that it appears safe and together. I wonder why I trust myself over my Father who literally created the world is beyond me. It is so easy for me to land in my own power, to let myself fall prey to the lies.
So I take it day by day, I refocus, I lay it down in front of my Father, I trust that what he has been nudging me to do, that I should have done way before now. I remember I cant go back only forward, so today armed with His strength I step out and move forward and anxiously rest in his hands. Trusting that he has gone before me, that even though there is consequences that is also part of life. Strength and peace there.
Lets walk forward, knowing that its ok to misstep, make mistakes, that even when the lies want to keep you hidden away in the dark, that's no way to live. You can't fix it on your own. Those around you are there to support you and they will. The lies are just that, the enemy of our souls wants us to stay there, he is safe with us there, out of the shadow we can and will shine brighter. There is no shame there, only hope, only a brighter future.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18
- I don't know about you but I'm ready to be made perfect in Love!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
-keeping something hidden in fear is not protecting the one you love the deepest, its just protecting you. (face palm) half truths are still lies no matter how it is painted in our society. It feels safer to stay there, its easy to convince yourself where you are is ok, its harder to avoid the deep drawing out to know its really not.
-best intentions are just that, but you also cant live behind should haves, could haves and would haves.
-truly trusting your partner and your savior is, trusting that they Love you, they want the best for you and nothing in the world would change that, despite what your fear, and past are screaming at you!
My truths, I am empowered, I can trust that still small voice/nudging, I don't have to know the outcome, I don't have to be in control, I'm grateful for the days I have, I'm grateful for new days and new beginnings, I'm thankful I'm not alone and that I don't have to do it alone. I need to stand in that and along with my partner.
Even though I cant change the past I can move forward and try again. This time different, longing for discernment, wisdom and guidance.
