One year later...Grateful

One year ago changed our lives, it could’ve ended in such a different way. A news story just a few weeks ago was a stark reminder of how far we had come but how much healing still needs to take place. You see there were no news stories about the driver who hit my husband and left the scene, who left him on the side of Collins to, for all they knew, die. 

But God had bigger plans. 

The day began like any other, with a conversation about wether he would ride his bicycle to work or if he would drive our car, the idea of me taking him into work probably came up. In an hour on that fateful day i would have wished that I would’ve pushed harder for the latter option. I’m sure the conversation included the changing of the weather to be more tolerable for riding, it wasn’t going to be as hot. I mean this was our routine for a few years coordinating schedules, etc being a one car family. When I went to bed the night before I didn’t realize how much life would change that morning. It was about this time, 4:30, that he left for his ride into work and it was about an hour that I received that phone call. That I obviously didn’t answer because who in the world would be calling me from Fort Worth at 5:30 in the morning, only to wake up a bit and let my brain process why. 

I sent him a text to check on him when a few minutes later he calls me back, for a few seconds the relief that came over me was surreal, followed quickly by sheer panic and worry to find an officer on the phone and not my husband. He says not to worry, haha too late i woke up worried, followed by more worried when you said hi I’m officer...there’s been an accident. He tells me my husband will be alright but that I need to come get his bicycle and backpack while they take him to the hospital. They weren’t very far away, only four miles. I was trying to wrap my tired brain around it all and figure out what to do with the boys and getting the stuff and getting to the hospital, when the officer graciously reminded me I could call someone to watch the boys.  There are some things I will never forget about that weekend and the biggest part is our tribe, our people who swooped in and carried us for those three or four days. I text our neighbor who runs early and she came so fast and was such a blessing to love on our boys while I went. I remember seeing his bicycle and thinking it really doesn’t look too bad and I’m 90% sure his backpack was fully intact no scratches. I rushed in to drop them off and left almost forgetting to grab him a change of clothes before heading to the hospital. As I was frantically trying to figure out all the things she was such a pillar of peace, calling/texting with friends to pray and just being there and loving us like family. 

I can’t remember much from the drive from

Arlington to downtown Fort Worth, navigating to a new place, one way streets and random parking lots is so much more confusing when your in this situation. It felt like it had been an eternity since that phone call and I can’t tell you how much time had passed. I could barely breathe walking I to the trauma ER, everyone I met was so kind, as I was walking up to his room I remember hesitating, wondering what would I see on the other side, I didn’t have much time to process because one of the nurses that was running tests was coming up beside me and said you can come in, I wasn’t brave enough to say that I didn’t know if I was ready. 

To see him with all the machines, but in one piece, with deep “contusions” to his face and his left side, was a relief. He hadn’t been there long when I arrived but they had already done several scans, blood work, and I don’t even know what else, they took him for another test or scan and as I waited I took his gear he had on out of the bag and looked it over. The most shocking part was his helmet, the deep crack from the front to the middle. This would be a different story if it wasn’t for that helmet.

I text his boss and a few other people to let them know. I told our Sunday school class, this was one day I was so thankful for that Facebook group because I could put it out there and I knew that as they were waking up they would be praying. 

By my husbands insistence I texted a dear friend, who just showed up, that was such a blessing I don’t know what i would have done without him at the hospital and with his help getting him home. When he arrived at the hospital we were finally able to get enough pain meds to my husband to rest and not be in so much pain. When our friend arrived, we talked for a little bit and he went and got us breakfast, shortly after he got back my husband was being discharged because the final tests came back, there were no broken bones, no internal bleeding, no damage to any organs, just some deep cuts, bruises, swelling and a broken nose, which happened to be a clean break. 

Only by the grace of God. 

Our friend helped us get him to the car and came home with me to help get him in the house. Our neighbor and her family brought our boys Chick-fil-A. We got home just in time for her to be able to go to her afternoon meeting. I remember thinking about how all of these pieces were just orchestrated. 

I ran to the store to grab his pain medicine and wound supplies. After that moment we didn’t have to think about another meal from that Thursday until I think Tuesday. The amazing people who stopped by with his favorites, like tacos and warm chocolate chip cookies. All the wonderful food, we were surrounded by love and support. It’s humbling to look back on all the details and see how God worked them all together. Friends who watched the boys or took them to the park, friends who prayed, friends who sent food from across the country. 

There are so many things about that day the year that followed that are the hand of God working. It’s reassuring to know He’s got it all even in emergency situations that catch us off guard. As I said there’s still healing to take place, and so much anxiety swimming around these last few weeks. I can’t help but know that God was there. All the doctors and chiropractors have said that if that car had hit him any higher, paralyzed, or lower, two broken legs, it would have all been radically different and if it wasn’t for that helmet, we have two boys that would be without a daddy and I wouldn’t have him here. 

Today, this year, we are grateful, for all the small things, all the big things and everything in between. As I sit here, tears falling, remembering that day. There are so many people I’m thankful for and I wouldn’t have made it through those days without you. Thank you for being Jesus to us! 

Abundance

When you think of abundance what comes to mind? A refrigerator overflowing with food ready to eat? Two cars in the garage? One car? A home? 3-6 months expenses in your bank account? Retirement ready 401k's? an extra $100 at the end of the month or maybe even just enough to pay for your expenses and food?



I mean our God is a God of abundance, right? So, we deserve the house, the walk-in closet, the island in the kitchen, 2.5 kids, a family that surrounds and supports you, a well-paying job, a pay increase annually, advancement in your career. Don't get me wrong, none of these things are bad, I mean God wants to not only supply our needs but our wants.



I'd like to challenge the thinking about abundance, how we view it, how we utilize it, how we see it. We have friends in India, abundance there looks a world of difference than it does here. I think we are so used to life here, our day to day that we often forget, that even in our struggle, we are living abundance. I know hunger is a real thing here, I know that many among us aren't sure where they will find the money to pay for their electricity, mortgage/rent, let alone feed their families. I also know that we get to choose if we will eat meat or be vegan, we can choose not to eat gluten, we can choose.



What if abundance is merely having choice? What if abundance is having freedom to worship? what if abundance is having the freedom to speak?



Most of us know that its privilege to be born and raised here. The freedoms we have here are rare and we certainly don't deserve it, its a gift that's been given, just like abundance. I know I haven't sacrificed to be able to go to church and worship God, let alone be able to publically share online my views about God.



I challenge you to look at your life, to see the areas God has blessed abundantly, and ask how He wants us to abundantly bless others. The biggest blessings we have here can quickly become the biggest stumbling block or distractions. The minute we put the blessings before the one who abundantly blessed we've lost focus.



How many times have you sat in church, in a small group, a coffee shop, Sunday school class and heard the name of Jesus?



2.8 million people have never heard His name.

2.8 million people don’t know that they have access to Jesus

2.8 million people don't have access to a single verse in their language

 - how many bibles do you have in your home? how many translations are on your phone?


Maybe this is an area of abundance?


I know God is calling us to so much more than to become comfortable in our abundance. I know that God is wanting American Evangelicals to learn from those who give their lives to serve God, who count it all joy when they face trials of many kinds. To love one another enough to share Jesus with everyone. We are blessed here in ways we forget to count. I pray that God stirs our hearts, opens our eyes, calls us out of comfortable, that we are bold enough to follow, to push back the fear of rejection, the fear of leaving comfort and seek his will. Look for ways to share him with others. To support those going to serve the least among us.



There are people all around you seeking... May we each be open. May God open doors, open hearts to an abundance that's much greater, than the earthly things. They pass away any way. I'm praying that God change us, shake us, and help us leave our abundance in his hands and utilize it the way He is calling us to! It is always worth the cost.

Fear

Fear, I've had a dance with you most of life. I function well under your pressure...or I guess I should say  I feel "safest" there. You promise me lies and I often fall prey to each one of these every time. I envy those who can see their fears and not only rise above them but overcome them. It seems like such a seamless battle for them. Their sheer tenacity and determination to destroy their fears is awe inspiring to me.

For me, fear, hiding in your shadow is something I know all to well. Hearing the lies the enemy whispers over me keeps me there so much more often than I would like to admit. Thanks to the relationship I have been blessed with, with my husband he has greatly encouraged me to face them in a whole other way.

I think the most humbling part of my relationship with fear is how easily I fall back into that relationship. I long to overcome it, to successfully lay it to rest. I get so angry with myself for falling so quickly and easily back into old habits. I hate myself for allowing it to have power over me. The self talk I have with myself over this shortcomings aren't for the faint of heart.

I often wonder how I arrived back into the arms of fear, anxiety and where I was before. When I can look around in my life and see how far I've come in so many other areas.  Why cant I overcome this? What am I doing wrong? I should be able to fix it!

The lies I'm told and often believe in the midst is that
 -I can fix this
 -It will get better
 -I can make it better,
 -It is all my fault,
 -I should have a better handle on this,
 -why/how did you let it get this far,
 -you cant tell now because you have let it get here,
 -no one will accept you if you open up,
 -you're the only one that struggles with this,
 -you should really be better at this, everyone else is.
 -why of all things do you struggle with this
 -keeping this from them is for their good, you can make it better and overcome

failure, mistakes have always been something to fear in my life. Nothing short of perfection is acceptable. How many things are you excellent at in your life? Most of these things are as absurd as they sound, but I believe them far too often. I stay under them, hold them near and dear. Even though I know the freedom that lies outside of these lies. I often wonder why it feels safer here? I think its because its what I know. Despite the deep longing to change its so difficult to break old habits, that are about as old as me.

Here are the truths I KNOW deep down in my soul that often are overshadowed way to easily by the fear

 -Everyone has their thing they struggle with
 -failure and mistakes are part of living, they are to be celebrated because its part of learning
 -you can't learn without failure and mistakes
 -I accept my failures in baking but not in most other areas
 -Thanks to a truly incredible gift I have a husband who loves me with the 1 Corinthians Love
 -I am not defined by this
 -I cannot do this on my own
 -My partnership is stronger than me
 -No amount of justifying has or will make it better
 -the perfect time to restart, to expose fear, failure and mistakes is now, you can't go back, you can't change it but you can begin again today and move forward a new today!

I long to change and be different. I know that on my own I cant. Does it make me stronger to know that? Does the strength only come when I sit down and lay it all out? Can my partner only come by my side to help me succeed if I let him all the way in? I think that's what I've been called to for far to long. I know I've put this off longer than I should, but I also know there isn't any better day than today, even though before could have been better.

I wonder why this is what I struggle with. Then I look at my husband and I see that this is a great strength for him. Isn't that beautiful? and at moments utterly frustrating? I long to do better, to honor him with every area of my life so that our Marriage can show how God works, how God loves, How God calls each of us to sharpen one another, to drive each other on.

Without this struggle it would be something else, right? We all have our thing our struggle, that thorn in our flesh that keeps us humble, that daily reminds us of our constant need for a savior. For the one who came and promised to be our advocate. He reminds me that no of this is for nothing. Every struggle, every thing that draws us out of comfortable. Everything that causes me to step out of fears shadow, of the self constructed walls of lies that I carefully create so that it appears safe and together. I wonder why I trust myself over my Father who literally created the world is beyond me. It is so easy for me to land in my own power, to let myself fall prey to the lies.

So I take it day by day, I refocus, I lay it down in front of my Father, I trust that what he has been nudging me to do, that I should have done way before now. I remember I cant go back only forward, so today armed with His strength I step out and move forward and anxiously rest in his hands. Trusting that he has gone before me, that even though there is consequences that is also part of life. Strength and peace there.

Lets walk forward, knowing that its ok to misstep, make mistakes, that even when the lies want to keep you hidden away in the dark, that's no way to live. You can't fix it on your own. Those around you are there to support you and they will. The lies are just that, the enemy of our souls wants us to stay there, he is safe with us there, out of the shadow we can and will shine brighter. There is no shame there, only hope, only a brighter future.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

 - I don't know about you but I'm ready to be made perfect in Love!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

 -keeping something hidden in fear is not protecting the one you love the deepest, its just protecting you. (face palm) half truths are still lies no matter how it is painted in our society. It feels safer to stay there, its easy to convince yourself where you are is ok, its harder to avoid the deep drawing out to know its really not.
 -best intentions are just that, but you also cant live behind should haves, could haves and would haves.
 -truly trusting your partner and your savior is, trusting that they Love you, they want the best for you and nothing in the world would change that, despite what your fear, and past are screaming at you!

My truths, I am empowered, I can trust that still small voice/nudging, I don't have to know the outcome, I don't have to be in control, I'm grateful for the days I have, I'm grateful for new days and new beginnings, I'm thankful I'm not alone and that I don't have to do it alone. I need to stand in that and along with my partner.

Even though I cant change the past I can move forward and try again. This time different, longing for discernment, wisdom and guidance.